Them feels.
Cried myself to sleep last night. It was the only way I could get a good nights rest. After about fifteen - twenty minutes of sobbing, I sat upright on the bed staring at my curtains blankly. For a short moment, I was numb. It felt good. In comparison to what I was and STILL feeling, numb is okay. I let the music played all night and my study lamp turned on as I was afraid to sleep in the dark and in silence.
I was showering half way when I broke into tears once again. I was thinking about how we used to text each other good night messages. I'm so tired of all this crying and all this emotions running through my body. I thought breaking up will solve all the problems once and for all. Why is it that I'm still tied down?
This is day two of having second thoughts about the break up. I really want to see her. I want to talk to her. I want to kiss her. I want to feel her body next to mine. I'm refraining myself from doing silly things. Do I want to see her because I love her? Or is it me desperately trying to fill in the void inside of me?
I thought I was better. I was telling myself the whole of yesterday morning that I was feeling better. That everything make sense.
I was never better.
Monday, 10 November 2014
Break up
Tough times are here.
Beautiful lights. As I'm seated on a wooden chair by the balcony, beautiful lights can be observed. It's so peaceful. I can feel the air kissing my half naked body. Breathing in fresh air and thinking how things could be different.
Life is sad, life is funny. Life tends to push you to the limit if you let it. As for me, like always. I don't understand life anymore. We broke up. Yes, after one year and nine months, we finally said goodbyes. It was hard. Who ever say that break up was easy? We both cried. We both wanted to make this work so bad that we both were drained physically and emotionally. We were very tired. I can tell that she doesn't want to do mini time outs anymore as it keeps her hanging by the thread, not knowing what to do.
I cried in front of her, feeling extreme sadness and guilt. I was unfair to her. I did something bad and I admitted it. Not the proudest moment.
I thought I was going to be the first one to make it out alive but I thought wrong as I found myself having flashbacks. I underestimated her and overestimated myself. We are still talking - we both wanted to remain as friends. From the little I know, she seems to be handling this way better than I am. I kept on worrying about how she's going to cope with this break up and how long will she take to get over us. I was so wrong. As I am the one having trouble coping with the break up.
This evening, I passed by Grand Millennium hotel in the heart of KL and in an instant, I had flashbacks of us spending the night together celebrating her birthday nearly two years ago, Right after that, wave after wave of emotions hit me. Together, it brought memories of the times we spent together; eating, shopping, clubbing.
It's been only eleven days since we last saw each other and I find myself regretting my decision even though deep down, I know it was the right thing to do. Can time really heal the wounds? That's what Google kept telling me.
Cherish the people you love. Be honest to people you care about. Finally, be true to yourself.
Jim
P/S: This blog will see some minor changes in the near future as my priority in life changes. This blog is very personal to me and as I grow to be a better person, this blog too will grow with me. I have always been bad with writing and so I will use this blog as a platform to improve my writing.
Beautiful lights. As I'm seated on a wooden chair by the balcony, beautiful lights can be observed. It's so peaceful. I can feel the air kissing my half naked body. Breathing in fresh air and thinking how things could be different.
Life is sad, life is funny. Life tends to push you to the limit if you let it. As for me, like always. I don't understand life anymore. We broke up. Yes, after one year and nine months, we finally said goodbyes. It was hard. Who ever say that break up was easy? We both cried. We both wanted to make this work so bad that we both were drained physically and emotionally. We were very tired. I can tell that she doesn't want to do mini time outs anymore as it keeps her hanging by the thread, not knowing what to do.
I cried in front of her, feeling extreme sadness and guilt. I was unfair to her. I did something bad and I admitted it. Not the proudest moment.
I thought I was going to be the first one to make it out alive but I thought wrong as I found myself having flashbacks. I underestimated her and overestimated myself. We are still talking - we both wanted to remain as friends. From the little I know, she seems to be handling this way better than I am. I kept on worrying about how she's going to cope with this break up and how long will she take to get over us. I was so wrong. As I am the one having trouble coping with the break up.
This evening, I passed by Grand Millennium hotel in the heart of KL and in an instant, I had flashbacks of us spending the night together celebrating her birthday nearly two years ago, Right after that, wave after wave of emotions hit me. Together, it brought memories of the times we spent together; eating, shopping, clubbing.
It's been only eleven days since we last saw each other and I find myself regretting my decision even though deep down, I know it was the right thing to do. Can time really heal the wounds? That's what Google kept telling me.
Cherish the people you love. Be honest to people you care about. Finally, be true to yourself.
Jim
P/S: This blog will see some minor changes in the near future as my priority in life changes. This blog is very personal to me and as I grow to be a better person, this blog too will grow with me. I have always been bad with writing and so I will use this blog as a platform to improve my writing.
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
Leaning pick up - good or bad?
These were among the questions I've been asking myself since the past weekend. What seems to be perfect college life and awesome weekend turned bad, weird, and unnecessarily stupid.
I don't like to write, which I'm sure you have figured this out by now. My last post was, God knows, last century. I only write when I'm at my lowest or my highest, that's when stuff just flows out and today is going to be one of my lows.
This is not so much a debate about whether learning pick up is good thing or a bad thing, it's about how you use the skill in life. I, for one know that it has been a good skill and it's still is. Never would have been the person I am today without it. But sometimes, people tend to lose track of themselves. They get lost in the midst of it. Learning how to approach girls and getting numbers seems to be the only result they're after. Yes, I'm referring to myself.
I'm not saying literally this is what I'm doing, to be honest, I don't get as much numbers as I want to, I never did anyway but people say hi to me, someone who is actually a stranger to me and then I realised that I've actually spoken to her sometime when college just started. People know me, and I've recently just found out that people was saying I'm a big flirt and if I'm correct, there's also "playa" undertone to it. Seriously, a player??!! 2 years ago, I could barely look at a person eyes long enough and now suddenly people knows me as the abnormally friendly person. So this ain't bad. I've been actively trying to create awesome social circle and so far so good.
On the flip side, when you're blinded and chasing after things which don't matter, you will get lost and the REAL you -that nice guy personality that you SO want to CRUSH when you first started PUA journey- starts to fade away, that personality that makes you, YOU. All the habits that the community deem useless in your pursuit of having women in your life should be thrown away, and throw away I did. And today there are actions that I've taken that I regret today because the nice guy in me wouldn't have been so brave to kiss the girl that he's interested in and get into trouble for it.
Yes, learning pick up does helps you tremendously on getting more women in your life but NO, it doesn't get the girls that you want all the time. I've got into a little bit of trouble with this girl we shall call V. She's 19. She's part of my close social circle. Very friendly, very hyper, energetic, typical 19 year old. All good, except you tend to forget they can be immature. We downplay the immature part most of the time, to be honest, I do too, come on, killer body, flirtatious as hell, we will downplay anything bad to get in her pants. Long story short, house party, few friends, few gay people, she's bad with alcohol so she drank a lot and got tipsy and shit, I had a few drinks too but I know what is going on. We've been flirting in the past, she knows I'm interested in her and I know she's adventurous, so we kissed and we enjoyed it and we went further to touching, and it's obvious both, me and her were enjoying it. Guess what? On her way home, she decided that she didn't like it so she told her 2 girl friends, whom one of them is a really close friend of mine lets call her S. The rest is history, now V is ignoring me and my good friend S had lost her trust in me. Because in their mind I "bullied" her into kissing because she had a few to drink. In their point of view she's a girl and I'm the boy so that make me automatically a bad person because I should be responsible. That part of the social circle that I've built is gone.
The worst part is, her story was so vague that she didn't even tell the whole thing and she just knocked off after that coz she was drunk and some people who are mad at me, didn't even know what happen that night because it was such a low profile thing. I would never do anything to hurt a girl but that night, I've just realised that there are things that you cannot control and shit will hit the fan real hard and fast if you're not careful. I know for a fact that V enjoyed it as much as I did and it's unfair for anyone to go through shit like this, and I thought she was better than that.
Does that mean, I hate pick up? No, this only made me want to learn even more or to learn to better my mistakes, this just goes to show sometimes hot girls are not worth the squeeze, in fact, it's a big turn off and from being interested with the girl, I've just come to pity her for being hypocrite.
Before you go all sexist on me, NO, I'm not hating women because of her. I have a lot of love and respect for woman. This is purely a personality and it's her character of a person that is such a turn off.
What I'm trying to say is, never forget the person you are! It's that nice guys personality that makes you, YOU! Learn pick up to enrich your life, not take value from others. Be honest about what you want as a person, be truthful about you.
I always ask this to myself "Is this me?"
Have a think about it
Word
I don't like to write, which I'm sure you have figured this out by now. My last post was, God knows, last century. I only write when I'm at my lowest or my highest, that's when stuff just flows out and today is going to be one of my lows.
This is not so much a debate about whether learning pick up is good thing or a bad thing, it's about how you use the skill in life. I, for one know that it has been a good skill and it's still is. Never would have been the person I am today without it. But sometimes, people tend to lose track of themselves. They get lost in the midst of it. Learning how to approach girls and getting numbers seems to be the only result they're after. Yes, I'm referring to myself.
I'm not saying literally this is what I'm doing, to be honest, I don't get as much numbers as I want to, I never did anyway but people say hi to me, someone who is actually a stranger to me and then I realised that I've actually spoken to her sometime when college just started. People know me, and I've recently just found out that people was saying I'm a big flirt and if I'm correct, there's also "playa" undertone to it. Seriously, a player??!! 2 years ago, I could barely look at a person eyes long enough and now suddenly people knows me as the abnormally friendly person. So this ain't bad. I've been actively trying to create awesome social circle and so far so good.
On the flip side, when you're blinded and chasing after things which don't matter, you will get lost and the REAL you -that nice guy personality that you SO want to CRUSH when you first started PUA journey- starts to fade away, that personality that makes you, YOU. All the habits that the community deem useless in your pursuit of having women in your life should be thrown away, and throw away I did. And today there are actions that I've taken that I regret today because the nice guy in me wouldn't have been so brave to kiss the girl that he's interested in and get into trouble for it.
Yes, learning pick up does helps you tremendously on getting more women in your life but NO, it doesn't get the girls that you want all the time. I've got into a little bit of trouble with this girl we shall call V. She's 19. She's part of my close social circle. Very friendly, very hyper, energetic, typical 19 year old. All good, except you tend to forget they can be immature. We downplay the immature part most of the time, to be honest, I do too, come on, killer body, flirtatious as hell, we will downplay anything bad to get in her pants. Long story short, house party, few friends, few gay people, she's bad with alcohol so she drank a lot and got tipsy and shit, I had a few drinks too but I know what is going on. We've been flirting in the past, she knows I'm interested in her and I know she's adventurous, so we kissed and we enjoyed it and we went further to touching, and it's obvious both, me and her were enjoying it. Guess what? On her way home, she decided that she didn't like it so she told her 2 girl friends, whom one of them is a really close friend of mine lets call her S. The rest is history, now V is ignoring me and my good friend S had lost her trust in me. Because in their mind I "bullied" her into kissing because she had a few to drink. In their point of view she's a girl and I'm the boy so that make me automatically a bad person because I should be responsible. That part of the social circle that I've built is gone.
The worst part is, her story was so vague that she didn't even tell the whole thing and she just knocked off after that coz she was drunk and some people who are mad at me, didn't even know what happen that night because it was such a low profile thing. I would never do anything to hurt a girl but that night, I've just realised that there are things that you cannot control and shit will hit the fan real hard and fast if you're not careful. I know for a fact that V enjoyed it as much as I did and it's unfair for anyone to go through shit like this, and I thought she was better than that.
Does that mean, I hate pick up? No, this only made me want to learn even more or to learn to better my mistakes, this just goes to show sometimes hot girls are not worth the squeeze, in fact, it's a big turn off and from being interested with the girl, I've just come to pity her for being hypocrite.
Before you go all sexist on me, NO, I'm not hating women because of her. I have a lot of love and respect for woman. This is purely a personality and it's her character of a person that is such a turn off.
What I'm trying to say is, never forget the person you are! It's that nice guys personality that makes you, YOU! Learn pick up to enrich your life, not take value from others. Be honest about what you want as a person, be truthful about you.
I always ask this to myself "Is this me?"
Have a think about it
Word
Sunday, 28 October 2012
EGO
It's been 5 months since I'm back in Malaysia. It wasn't easy, with all this changes in lifestyle and me going back to school now. Yes, I'm finally doing my degree at the ripe age of 25. Psychology YO!!
In terms of pickup, it has definitely slowed down a lot. Me being a lazy ass person, I just need that kick from people once in awhile to get me moving. I've become friends with one of the guys from The Lounge, so it's all good, he's super awesome and really cool and chill, kind of good for me coz I can be over the moon sometimes, he just helps calm me down once in a while.
You know I can be very self-conscious sometimes and very critical about myself generally. I've come to realised that this ego thing is still big on me. I've realised this for a long time now but just didn't want to admit it but I do have a very big ego, like I want to prove something to people and they have to know how awesome I am. I'm kinda like going back to square one. I thought after my stint abroad and going through some tough times, you figured that you got your shit handled but in my case, it's not like that. This just made me realised that self improvement is an ongoing process, you can never just stop because you are already good. It's just like muscle, you need to train them so they continue looking super buff and once you stop training them, it will become a vegetable, very much like pick up and very much like in self improvement scenarios.
I tend to say too much, sometimes too much info, trying tell people I've done this and I've done that. But really, what the fuck have I done? Starting from now I just need to be aware every time I talk to someone, just to say enough and not give out too much info. Maybe it's just me being overly critical of myself but I sometimes feel when I'm talking, I'm bragging as well. For instance when pick up topic comes up, or girls or relationship, somehow I thought I was a fucking Guru and start to talk about stuff related to it. REALLY???? This is so fucking lame that I fucking hate myself.
I've met this girl in a bar 2 weeks ago, she's 27 and a law graduate. assuming that everything she told me is 90% true, she's quite right about her point of view in life, as much as I feel that she can be a bitch sometimes but there's a side of her that's really attractive, she have a very solid opinion about what life is all about and she got her shit handled and i find that very attractive in her. There are stuffs that she mentioned that I kind of reflected upon. For instance, I always say that I don't care, I don't give a shit about what is going to happen in the future or 5 minutes after that, I'm outcome independent but in her words if I keep saying this to myself and everyone around me, that means you care, you still gives a shit and you still worry about what people say behind your back, you're Hippocratic.... well she didn't say that, but you get what I mean. I think that is really true, the day when you really don't have to say shit to justify yourself and your actions, is the day you really don't give a fuck any more and you don't even have to tell people that, they can feel it, sense it in you. And you know you've just become a BOSS!
Anyway, this is just a rant or shall I say a reminder for myself not to be egoistic and continue to improve myself everyday.
Be Safe
In terms of pickup, it has definitely slowed down a lot. Me being a lazy ass person, I just need that kick from people once in awhile to get me moving. I've become friends with one of the guys from The Lounge, so it's all good, he's super awesome and really cool and chill, kind of good for me coz I can be over the moon sometimes, he just helps calm me down once in a while.
You know I can be very self-conscious sometimes and very critical about myself generally. I've come to realised that this ego thing is still big on me. I've realised this for a long time now but just didn't want to admit it but I do have a very big ego, like I want to prove something to people and they have to know how awesome I am. I'm kinda like going back to square one. I thought after my stint abroad and going through some tough times, you figured that you got your shit handled but in my case, it's not like that. This just made me realised that self improvement is an ongoing process, you can never just stop because you are already good. It's just like muscle, you need to train them so they continue looking super buff and once you stop training them, it will become a vegetable, very much like pick up and very much like in self improvement scenarios.
I tend to say too much, sometimes too much info, trying tell people I've done this and I've done that. But really, what the fuck have I done? Starting from now I just need to be aware every time I talk to someone, just to say enough and not give out too much info. Maybe it's just me being overly critical of myself but I sometimes feel when I'm talking, I'm bragging as well. For instance when pick up topic comes up, or girls or relationship, somehow I thought I was a fucking Guru and start to talk about stuff related to it. REALLY???? This is so fucking lame that I fucking hate myself.
I've met this girl in a bar 2 weeks ago, she's 27 and a law graduate. assuming that everything she told me is 90% true, she's quite right about her point of view in life, as much as I feel that she can be a bitch sometimes but there's a side of her that's really attractive, she have a very solid opinion about what life is all about and she got her shit handled and i find that very attractive in her. There are stuffs that she mentioned that I kind of reflected upon. For instance, I always say that I don't care, I don't give a shit about what is going to happen in the future or 5 minutes after that, I'm outcome independent but in her words if I keep saying this to myself and everyone around me, that means you care, you still gives a shit and you still worry about what people say behind your back, you're Hippocratic.... well she didn't say that, but you get what I mean. I think that is really true, the day when you really don't have to say shit to justify yourself and your actions, is the day you really don't give a fuck any more and you don't even have to tell people that, they can feel it, sense it in you. And you know you've just become a BOSS!
Anyway, this is just a rant or shall I say a reminder for myself not to be egoistic and continue to improve myself everyday.
Be Safe
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Hello, I'm alive!
Hello people of Earth,
It's been too long since my last post. Well, I haven't given up on my journey to self-improvement, on the contrary I've been doing something else for the past couple of month, August 2011 to be more specific. I've taken up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu seriously and I've since competed in one competition and preparing for my next one in March.
I have to be honest, I've not been doing a lot when it comes to approaching beautiful woman since then. So much had happen but the funny thing is I've attended another bootcamp and this time with Love Systems. Crazy but I will write this on another post.
Nothing much for this post, just a quick update on what has happened to me for the past few months since my last post.
P/S: I'm not sure if this will show but basically I wrote this couple months back and I forgot to hit the Publish button so it was in "Draft" mode all this time, so now I'm publishing it :)
It's been too long since my last post. Well, I haven't given up on my journey to self-improvement, on the contrary I've been doing something else for the past couple of month, August 2011 to be more specific. I've taken up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu seriously and I've since competed in one competition and preparing for my next one in March.
I have to be honest, I've not been doing a lot when it comes to approaching beautiful woman since then. So much had happen but the funny thing is I've attended another bootcamp and this time with Love Systems. Crazy but I will write this on another post.
Nothing much for this post, just a quick update on what has happened to me for the past few months since my last post.
P/S: I'm not sure if this will show but basically I wrote this couple months back and I forgot to hit the Publish button so it was in "Draft" mode all this time, so now I'm publishing it :)
I did it
I'm surprised that there are people who still visit this page! I'm buzzing, even if it's just one or two views, to me it still counts because someone out there do want to learn and I'm buzzing.
Hi guys, this has been an overdue post that I should have done like.....thousand years ago. I know what some people are thinking when they reached this page and read some of the post and just realised that the last post was like centuries ago. Dude! I don't blame you because I would do the same!!
I was just saying I was buzzing and shit about people still visit here, well, I have a reason for saying that because I have some stuff for you guys. Recently, Nick Savoy of Love Systems posted my field report under the recommendation of Mr M to his personal blog and I wanted to share it with you guys. This basically sums up what I've been doing in during the "gap" in blog post. I didn't give up in between or quit -which I have honestly thought of doing, is just that I've been busy with other stuffs and been practising cold approach pick up. Now, what is so special about this post is not just the field report but also the advice and critique given by none other than Mr M and I think that itself is worth sharing.
The following link leads to Nick Savoys' blog and is divided into 3 parts; read them accordingly.
1. Day Game Field Report
2. Mr M respond
3. Day 2 / Close
There you go guys, hopefully this will keep you motivated and to also show you that not giving up attitude will definitely help you in a long run.
P/S: Will definitely post more stuff in the future, not just cold approach pick up but general stuff on life and to help motivate more people in achieving their goals
Word
Jim
Hi guys, this has been an overdue post that I should have done like.....thousand years ago. I know what some people are thinking when they reached this page and read some of the post and just realised that the last post was like centuries ago. Dude! I don't blame you because I would do the same!!
I was just saying I was buzzing and shit about people still visit here, well, I have a reason for saying that because I have some stuff for you guys. Recently, Nick Savoy of Love Systems posted my field report under the recommendation of Mr M to his personal blog and I wanted to share it with you guys. This basically sums up what I've been doing in during the "gap" in blog post. I didn't give up in between or quit -which I have honestly thought of doing, is just that I've been busy with other stuffs and been practising cold approach pick up. Now, what is so special about this post is not just the field report but also the advice and critique given by none other than Mr M and I think that itself is worth sharing.
The following link leads to Nick Savoys' blog and is divided into 3 parts; read them accordingly.
1. Day Game Field Report
2. Mr M respond
3. Day 2 / Close
There you go guys, hopefully this will keep you motivated and to also show you that not giving up attitude will definitely help you in a long run.
P/S: Will definitely post more stuff in the future, not just cold approach pick up but general stuff on life and to help motivate more people in achieving their goals
Word
Jim
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Regrets
At this point in my life, I don't think I care about what other people say about me any more. It's irrelevant. They can shove their self-righteous advice up into their ass. You see, they are so fucking dumb and egoistic, they don't even know what their problem is. They think they had live far more years than you have, they could judge you and all of a sudden give you the best fucking judgement and advice, fuck you. Trust me when I say this is not an angry rant, it's more than that.
Regret would be the one thing that I do not want to feel in years to come, knowing that there are things that I could do to reach my goals or certain stuff I could do to make things better and NOT do it. That would suck ass! Everyday I watch people on the streets, people I see on television, I somehow wish that I had led a better lifestyle. Life is too short to lead other peoples life.
I'm sure some of you had seen that hottest girl, the best sports car and you wonder if you could own one of those. I'm not sure about you but I know I did, everyday. The simplest solution is to get over there and do what you need to do and get it.
I know for sure I want to lead a life full of pussy! There you go and I said it like a true man with my real intentions! Please stop pretending and for a second think this is vulgar. You know what I'd say to you. "FUCK YOU!" You hypocrite son of a bitch.
One day I will look back at this blog and read every post that I've written from the day I started all this, I know for sure that I've done what I can to realised that dream. No regrets.
Regret would be the one thing that I do not want to feel in years to come, knowing that there are things that I could do to reach my goals or certain stuff I could do to make things better and NOT do it. That would suck ass! Everyday I watch people on the streets, people I see on television, I somehow wish that I had led a better lifestyle. Life is too short to lead other peoples life.
I'm sure some of you had seen that hottest girl, the best sports car and you wonder if you could own one of those. I'm not sure about you but I know I did, everyday. The simplest solution is to get over there and do what you need to do and get it.
I know for sure I want to lead a life full of pussy! There you go and I said it like a true man with my real intentions! Please stop pretending and for a second think this is vulgar. You know what I'd say to you. "FUCK YOU!" You hypocrite son of a bitch.
One day I will look back at this blog and read every post that I've written from the day I started all this, I know for sure that I've done what I can to realised that dream. No regrets.
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